Santa Letters
(with Santa's responses)
Dear Sandta
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud boy alL yeer.
YerFrend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling.  You're on your way to a career in lawn
care. How about I send you a f ***  ing book so you
can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!  Santa


                      ***

Dear Santa,
I  have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?
Santa


                      ***

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his
ass constantly?  It's time to give up that dream.  Let
me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa


                      ***

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?  I bet
you're gay.
Santa

                      ***
                  Santa Science

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and due to the fact that recently I read that a teacher was fired
for reading a fact sheet similar to this one to grade students and making them cry, and with research help from
that renowned scientific journal - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's
91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say
that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the
sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than
a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the
job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up
in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb
14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.

A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force.
Dear  Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left  
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart
in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor ? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

                            ***

Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging s**t may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.
Santa

          
     ***
Awww . . . did that burst your bubble?
N  O  T  I  C  E

According to the Alaska Department of
Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the
summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers until
after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every
historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them from
Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a female.  
We should've known.  Only women
would be able to drag a fat-ass in a red
velvet suit all around the world in one
night and not get lost.
A Parents Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat...
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
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